[ At first, he hadn't been sure about this situation. Besides the change in station, serving his friend...had been an awkward thought. Years later, it's not so bad. In fact, sometimes he feels less like a servant and more like a companion or a normal friend, regardless.
He tries not to think about how that will change for him soon. Too soon. How he'll inherit an estate that's stagnated and looked down on. He'll just be relieving his mother, finally, of all the pressure she's had to deal with in the time he's been learning. While it will be good to fulfilling those duties and helping out his mother, it still makes his stomach twist. The future is uncertain and cold.
And here, now, Shinya is warm and pleasant. ]
If you don't mind an audience. I know it can be distracting.
[ It certainly is to him, for different reasons entirely. ]
Is it... [He looks at Gino again, slow and even. When he spars, it's as if rest of the world melts away, replaced by attack and counter-attack, instinct and reaction.
But when his blood cools and he sinks back into the real world, there's always Gino, his eyes focused and faraway all at once. Shinya has always wondered what it meant, of course. He's yet to find an answer.
(It feels like it's something simple, something obvious. "Distracting." Is that a clue? Gino has a tendency to project.)
There's a slight furrow in Shinya's brow now, the same expression he wears when he's mulling over a case. The rest of the world fades. It's not unlike a spar - only this time, his full attention hones in on Gino.]
You don't get distracted by seeing people out of the corner of your eye? [ It's not a totally flimsy cover, because he still occasionally has that problem. As soon as someone walks in the room while he's in a practice fight, he's momentarily distracted, trying to take note of who it is. ]
...I suppose not, come to think of it.
[ Kougami isn't deterred by anything or anyone. He's always focused, the hard lines of his expression intent and different from his more relaxed stance. Sometimes, Gino feels just as pinned by it as he does by the other man's hands when he's beaten in a match. The thought is uncomfortable, now, as Shinya's eyes lock onto his face, obviously trying to suss something out. ]
What's that look for? [ A faint blush rises in his cheeks, embarrassed by the sudden scrutiny. He thinks about intention and feeling trapped and hopes his mind is unreadable. To further his discomfort, he takes a small step back, breaking the closeness between them. ]
[A blush? Shinya leans forward, a piece of the puzzle clicking into place somewhere in his subconsciousness, but then Gino moves and the moment is broken. He blinks. Straightens. Breaks eye contact, takes another sip of the coffee, breathes in the dark fragrance. It's like waking from another dream, but he thinks he prefers a dream like this to another night of smoke and mirrors.]
I was just thinking over something. [He's usually glad to share his thoughts, but in this particular situation... No, there's nothing that he can say that wouldn't seem invasive. There are strict lines between them - status, reputation, the traitor's son - and as much as Shinya would like to rub out the lines like so much chalk, he doesn't know if he can do that without upsetting the delicate balance Gino had found for himself.]
We should spar together again. [Let Gino think that's what had been on his mind.] It's been awhile since I pinned you to the mat.
[...Shit. That came out wrong. Good thing he's had practice maintaining his stoicism even after saying something outrageous; he simply sets the coffee aside and reaches for breakfast.]
[ Briefly, he's worried Shinya will ask. Will poke and prod and provoke like he sometimes does, just to get a rise. Instead, the other man quiets, drawing into himself. Gino feels some of the tension drain out of his body, shoulders subtly lowering back to a neutral position. He's still not sure if Kougami will bring it up, since he's a curious sort, but for now he seems safe.
That feeling shatters abruptly. ]
If you'd like. [ Deferential. Deferential. Professional. Breathe. ] The practice would be welcomed, certainly.
[ There's another flush coloring his cheeks and bleeding down his neck, betraying him completely. He's never been good at covering his emotions, no matter how hard he tried. Thankfully, Kougami seems preoccupied with the contents of the tray, gaze elsewhere. It's giving him a small window to recover, but it's hopefully enough to will the coloring away, even though his pulse is still racing.
(Gino thinks of strong hands curled around his wrists with his back flat against the ground and bites his tongue.) ]
[Shinya has the good sense to not dig this hole any deeper (even if it might be fun, but that thought barely passes his mind before it's discarded). He's deceptively casual as he picks up the cutlery, pretending not to notice the way Gino's blush darkens; apparently, he's not dense enough that the unintentional subtext went over his head.
Or maybe he is, and the only reason that he picked up on the implications is because he was already thinking about them in the first place. There's a connection to be made here, Shinya thinks, between this reaction that first time he had blushed, and maybe all the way back to that first mention of "distracting". A connection that links back to all the tiny incidents he had noticed over past months, each too minor to be of note by itself, but when brought together form a dangerous picture.
Dangerous, but not exactly unappealing. Shinya can feel the beginnings of heat prickling at the tips of his ears, and focuses his attention on breakfast before he can pursue that line of thought any further. He's not one to be in denial, but. Well. Better to save that kind of thought for later, when he's not shirtless and sleep-rumpled and Gino isn't right there.]
Then we should set aside some time this evening. [That should be enough time for both of them to cool down.] Anything else on today's schedule?
Very well then. [ In some ways, in these particular instances, he's glad for the position he's in. While they've had a looser master and servant relationship than is normal, the connection still stands. It's how he's to treat Shinya, no matter how familiar they are with each other. This is to his advantage, since he can fall back on propriety and manners to dictate how he responds to something.
If he didn't...he's not sure where this conversation would've gone. Gino's learned how to navigate polite conversation, of course, but he's never been as good at it as Shinya is. He too easily wears his emotions on his face, heart on his sleeve even though he tries to keep it hidden. For the most part, it's a successful ruse, but sometimes, just sometimes, things like this happen.
Or Shinya happens, like a natural disaster that won't be stopped. ]
Fencing lessons two hours past the noon bell– Master Fontaine will be teaching today. Professor Saiga sent a missive as well, intending to visit before supper, I believe. [ Day to day minutiae is easy to focus on; he's always been good at recalling the details. And though he'll likely be in attendance at most of these activities, there'll be a secondary distraction. Moreover, he is interested to see what the Professor has to say– he doesn't always agree with him, but he knows Shinya enjoys his lectures. ]
You'll be in attendance at both events? [Shinya's words may be a question, but they're spoken with the same easy confidence that characterizes everything he does; this is a question he already knows the answer to. He asks anyway, because small talk has its own kind of charm, and he's trying to ease the two of them back into something resembling normalcy.] Professor Saiga's talks are always more interesting with more people around.
[Hah. He wonders what the Professor will think of this whole situation. Would he be able to take one look at them and deduce what had happened, and would he say anything about it?
I will; unless you would prefer otherwise, of course. [ Which has been a rare occurrence, really. Gino thinks there's only been a couple times when Shinya hasn't asked him to be in attendance, and it'd mostly been because his father had requested the privacy. All other times, Ginoza has been there, watching his master's progress through the years. Sometimes, he's even picked up a thing or two. ]
Professor Saiga always offers an... interesting point of view. [ And sometimes uncomfortable. It feels like the older gentleman always stares directly through him. ]
In any case, will you need further assistance this morning?
[Of course he wouldn't prefer otherwise, and the fact is so obvious that Shinya doesn't even bother to state it out loud, just looks briefly at Gino and returns to devouring his breakfast. He knows Gino isn't entirely comfortable around Professor Saiga, but the fact that he makes the effort to attend anyway is something Shinya appreciates. So he makes things easy for Gino this morning.]
I should be fine.
[And if he really means to make things easy for Gino, he'll leave things there and let him be on his way. There are always chores for him to attend to.
But that strange moment from before flashes across Shinya's mind, and his next words are out before he can stop himself. He has always been reckless when he's in pursuit of something.]
Gino, you know you can stay even when I don't need you in this capacity.
[So much for easing them back into a sense of normalcy.]
Shinya isn't about to send him away, especially not in the face of his daily activities. A small part of him feels a little warmer with the knowledge, even though he knows this setup is temporary. Has always been. They're on a time limit. ]
You know I can't do that.
[ Because while he's enjoyed his time here, to a degree, it's impermanent. He has a mother at home who's taking care of the estate, no matter how ruined their name is. There are people there waiting for a lord to take back over, for him to be old enough and learned enough to run it well. He's been gaining that knowledge while here, for which he's grateful, but he can't stay. Doing so would be reckless and irresponsible. ]
[Shinya had always been interested in people. It's part of why he devours books so eagerly, eating his way through fiction and political science and sociology and philosophy alike; they all reveal little snippets about humans and human nature. It's what had drawn him towards Sasayama and Professor Saiga and their seemingly-superhuman abilities of reading people.
He can only hope to reach their level one day, but even with his current skills, he knows he and Gino are on different pages. Gino had cast his thoughts into the distant (only it's not really distant any more, their time is tick, ticking down) future, and Shinya takes a second to re-orient himself in the conversation before he continues.
What does he want? (Gino safe and happy, Makishima brought to justice.) And what does Gino want? Does he even know? It's not going to be easy to determine, but they shouldn't have trouble narrowing it down, at least. Yes or no questions; those are easy to answer.]
But do you want to?
[This time, he's no longer talking about just this morning.]
[ Ginoza realizes, belatedly, that Shinya was probably talking about something more in the moment. Biting the inside of his cheek, he pushes aside a wave of embarrassment for jumping the gun. That was a bit silly, all things considered.
Still, the other man doesn't seem to take offense, instead seeming deep in thought for a moment. He's grown used to that gesture, waiting out the other's silence without issue. Sometimes it was unnerving, especially in the beginning, but for the most part, it was comfortable between them.
That comfort gets momentarily tossed out the window at Shinya's response. ]
It doesn't really matter what I want; duty will come before anything.
[ Gino's reply is automatic, feeling almost rehearsed. Almost. While it's true he would like to just spend time with Shinya on a less divided scale, he wasn't going to have much time or choice to. But, he's accepted that by now. Years of telling it to himself and throwing his all into preparing to take over the estate– he can't turn back now. Won't turn back. ]
[The answer doesn't deter Shinya. If anything, it's encouraging: Gino hadn't said no, I want to move out.]
Duty chains all of us down. [Not the most flattering metaphor, and not exactly true either, in Kougami's case. He doesn't think of his duties as terribly restrictive. It's different for Gino, and really, that's the issue here.] But...how should I put this? Even prisoners can move around in their chains. Their degree of movement just depends on their creativity, and their determination.
[Shinya is quite self-aware. He's long ago realized what it is that he felt for Gino: desire, low-burning but constant and intense. If there's even a chance that he can keep Gino by his side, then Shinya will seize it without hesitation.]
However, it's missing a vital section. He has his responsibilities but they're almost tenfold of a normal house. Because their name is tarnished, even though it's already been a number of years. Things stick in people's minds and they don't let someone forget it so easily.
He doesn't just have chains, he has weights on the ends. ]
Our cases are different.
[ And that's all he'll remark on, right now. Gino doesn't feel like playing the pity card, because it gets them exactly nowhere. ]
I don't see the point in discussing this. My future was sealed as soon as my father was exiled.
[ Again, he's hit with the duality of the situation. What he wants– he thinks of Shinya's hands around his wrists again and it feels like his heart's caught in his throat. There's an attraction, something he's been pushing to the side for as long as he's been even vaguely aware of it. His gaze flickers for a moment as he thinks about it, eyes following the line of Shinya's throat before he tilts his head back up. Posture and expression schooled back into professionalism, he reminds himself of the responsibilities he has. Will have. ]
[It shouldn't be this way, Shinya thinks. Gino should not have to bear his father's sins...even if he had committed sins. Shinya had done some circumspect investigation into the matter, and he's beginning to think all is not as it seems.
(Makishima, it probably ties back to Makishima somehow.)
But that's a mystery he's still in the process of untangling. What matters now, in the present, is Gino's propensity for self-denial. Shinya frowns - from concern, not anger.]
Hey. Gino. [He reaches out, fingers wrapping around Gino's wrist to give it a light squeeze before letting go. He won't physically restrain Gino. If Gino wants to stay (whether it be right now, or in the future), then it will be of his own volition.] Don't run.
[ He watches Shinya's expression shift and for a moment, misreads it. Gino braces himself for the frustrated words, but is shocked when he gets a hand wrapped around his wrist. The motion has his heart nearly leaping into his throat, a fearful look flickering across his face.
Had the other figured it out? That wouldn't be completely surprising, if he had. However, Shinya is letting him go, a sort of affection leaking from the gesture into his tone. He tries to avoid rubbing the spot where he'd been touched, even though his nerves would be calmer if he could.
Attempting to school his face back to neutral, his voice comes out surprisingly level. ]
I'm not running.
[ But isn't he? With all of his efforts to avoid Kougami's sharp gaze and sharper mind. Even if the other man felt the same way, there'd be an impenetrable wall of propriety, duty, family, bloodlines to stop it.
So he'll keep his mouth and heart shut (head bowed, eyes lowered, no fuss). ]
[Fear? That's not something Shinya wants to see, and it's more than enough to deter him from pressuring Gino any further (even if there are still plenty of things he wants to say).
If he's not ready yet, then Shinya can accept that.]
Right.
[At the end of the day, he'd rather have Gino content with his place in the world than have Gino. But he isn't about to drop the matter. Gino can do better, and Shinya is determined to help him. He'd do no less for a stranger, never mind his closest friend.]
[ And that's that. He's not going to re-open this discussion on his own. And he'll avoid it if Kougami tries to drag him into it again. It's uncomfortable thinking of the future– there's so much unknown. Gino knows his duties, of course. But he thinks of all the work and how much he's going to have to climb. It feels insurmountable, even if he knows he'll have some help. A burned legacy is still burnt. If he sees the end of the scorch mark his father left by the time he reaches his deathbed, it'll be a miracle.
Graciously, opposite of his heart, he bows and exits the room. ]
--
[ his pulse doesn't stop racing until much later ]
--
[ Ginoza watches with a sharp eye as Kougami spars with his teacher. He's seated off to the side, a silent observer, really only there by Kougami's request. Of course, he's been taught similarly, just to a lesser extent. Enough to get him by so if he's mugged he's not helpless (something he's grateful for).
But, this is a level above.
Both men sparring are efficient in their motions, fast and would-be deadly if they weren't practicing. As it is, Gino knows he'll have to tend to some bruises and scrapes afterwards. Still, as the session comes to a close, Kougami looks full of energy and not like someone who's just gotten the crap kicked out of him.
Holding out glass of water to the other man, he raises an eyebrow. ]
You did well; though I expected you to be more tired.
[Shinya takes the water without comment, his chest still heaving from the exertion. The liquid is cool and refreshing as he downs it in quick gulps. He only finishes half the glass before dumping the rest over his head, letting the water trickle down his neck and bare back in rivulets. The shock of cold against his skin is almost better than a shower.
With a loud exhale, he runs a hand through his wet hair and shakes some of the excess water off, right at Gino. It's only then that he finally responds to Gino, looking up to meet his eyes properly.]
Thanks.
[Gino's right, he realizes. He's still humming with restless energy, fueled with a desire to keep going, keep improving. He rolls his shoulders and stretches, shifting his weight from foot to foot in an attempt to dissipate some of that excess energy.
It doesn't work. But there's someone he can practice with right in front of him. Shinya only pauses for a moment before he extends his invitation.]
I know I said we'll spar this evening, but how do you feel about doing it now? [A hint of a smile tugs at his mouth.] Think of it as me giving you an advantage.
[He may be feeling energetic, but he's been pushing himself hard. Meanwhile, Gino will be going into their spar fresh.]
Edited (i shouldn't tag when i'm in a rush...) 2015-04-15 08:30 (UTC)
[ As Kougami takes a drink, Gino tries to keep his eyes firmly pinned on a spot that wasn't the other man's throat. Or his chest. Or back. Or really any part of him. Especially not now that there's water running down his skin, making him swallow reflexively as he bites the inside of his cheek. Giving himself away now won't do any good.
Well honestly, giving himself away at all won't help. It doesn't change anything, except for his feelings. ]
If that's what you'd like. [ Gino tilts his head down as a sign of obedience as much as it's a motion to hide his face. Kougami's smile and current state of undress is doing things to his chest. ] Then I will gladly accept.
[He contemplates pushing Gino's chin up, forcing him to look at him properly, but that's just his own selfishness talking. He won't push at Gino's boundaries like that.
He does it figuratively, though, with careful words:]
But what about you? [Unable to keep his hands to himself any more, Shinya reaches out to clap Gino on the back.] I told you before: you should consider your own wants.
[ Even from his lowered sight, he glances up and sees a strange expression flicker across Kougami's face. It lasts only briefly, disappearing as soon as the other man speaks up. Not wanting to be impolite, Gino looks fully back up, face schooled into something more appropriate. ]
I would– [ The clap on the shoulder cuts him off for a second, throwing his train of thought off. Kougami's palm is warm, even through his shirt. He swallows hard and tries not to inhale too sharply at the way his mind fills in the blanks. How his imagination supplies the thought of those hands set on bare skin, or in places less appropriate for public. ] I'd enjoy it as well.
[ Sparring or otherwise. His cheeks might be a little pink; he's never been great at hiding. ]
[Shinya smiles again, a little more broadly this time. Getting Gino to admit he wants anything is no easy feat; he can't help but think this is something to celebrate.]
Then let's go.
[There's something crackling in the air between them, a storm ready to crash down over their heads, but Shinya is unafraid. He's looking forward to it, even, his long strides almost a swagger as he leads the way to the wrestling mats. This is what the entire morning had been building up to - or rather, not just the morning, but all those prior weeks and months of averted eyes and building tensions.
Shinya doesn't remember how this had all started. It had been so subtle, so slow, that the pieces had only clicked into place this morning. But now that the truth is staring at him in the place - Gino wants him, Gino can do so much better than the path he's determined to chain himself to - Shinya refuses to ignore it. Not just for Gino's sake, but his own as well. To ignore this would be to go against his own principles, and that Shinya can't ever do.
It takes less than a minute for them to arrive at their destination, and less than a second for Shinya to drop into a ready stance, half-crouched and arms raised, ready to guard. The message is clear: he's waiting for Gino to make the first move.]
[ Getting him to admit to anything is certainly a feat. It can be like pulling teeth on the best of days.
Good thing that Kougami is persistent enough. And that Gino has difficulty resisting the other man, contrary to what people would think. Even if he didn't have to serve his beck and call, he's sure he'd end up by his side somehow. Kou has that kind of magnetism.
(It's what he'd fallen for, to begin with).
Shrugging his overcoat off, he rolls up his sleeves, following Kou's broader back to the mats. He tries not to pay attention to the fluid shift of the man's muscles, of his shoulder blades as he swings his arms. Tries being the key word. Because he thinks about dragging his fingers down that back, fingernails leaving marks.
Blinking, he shakes it away, sliding into a stance across from Kougami. If it's a first move he wants, it's a first move he gets. Gino's fist comes at him like a hook, going for the side. ]
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He tries not to think about how that will change for him soon. Too soon. How he'll inherit an estate that's stagnated and looked down on. He'll just be relieving his mother, finally, of all the pressure she's had to deal with in the time he's been learning. While it will be good to fulfilling those duties and helping out his mother, it still makes his stomach twist. The future is uncertain and cold.
And here, now, Shinya is warm and pleasant. ]
If you don't mind an audience. I know it can be distracting.
[ It certainly is to him, for different reasons entirely. ]
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But when his blood cools and he sinks back into the real world, there's always Gino, his eyes focused and faraway all at once. Shinya has always wondered what it meant, of course. He's yet to find an answer.
(It feels like it's something simple, something obvious. "Distracting." Is that a clue? Gino has a tendency to project.)
There's a slight furrow in Shinya's brow now, the same expression he wears when he's mulling over a case. The rest of the world fades. It's not unlike a spar - only this time, his full attention hones in on Gino.]
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...I suppose not, come to think of it.
[ Kougami isn't deterred by anything or anyone. He's always focused, the hard lines of his expression intent and different from his more relaxed stance. Sometimes, Gino feels just as pinned by it as he does by the other man's hands when he's beaten in a match. The thought is uncomfortable, now, as Shinya's eyes lock onto his face, obviously trying to suss something out. ]
What's that look for? [ A faint blush rises in his cheeks, embarrassed by the sudden scrutiny. He thinks about intention and feeling trapped and hopes his mind is unreadable. To further his discomfort, he takes a small step back, breaking the closeness between them. ]
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I was just thinking over something. [He's usually glad to share his thoughts, but in this particular situation... No, there's nothing that he can say that wouldn't seem invasive. There are strict lines between them - status, reputation, the traitor's son - and as much as Shinya would like to rub out the lines like so much chalk, he doesn't know if he can do that without upsetting the delicate balance Gino had found for himself.]
We should spar together again. [Let Gino think that's what had been on his mind.] It's been awhile since I pinned you to the mat.
[...Shit. That came out wrong. Good thing he's had practice maintaining his stoicism even after saying something outrageous; he simply sets the coffee aside and reaches for breakfast.]
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That feeling shatters abruptly. ]
If you'd like. [ Deferential. Deferential. Professional. Breathe. ] The practice would be welcomed, certainly.
[ There's another flush coloring his cheeks and bleeding down his neck, betraying him completely. He's never been good at covering his emotions, no matter how hard he tried. Thankfully, Kougami seems preoccupied with the contents of the tray, gaze elsewhere. It's giving him a small window to recover, but it's hopefully enough to will the coloring away, even though his pulse is still racing.
(Gino thinks of strong hands curled around his wrists with his back flat against the ground and bites his tongue.) ]
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Or maybe he is, and the only reason that he picked up on the implications is because he was already thinking about them in the first place. There's a connection to be made here, Shinya thinks, between this reaction that first time he had blushed, and maybe all the way back to that first mention of "distracting". A connection that links back to all the tiny incidents he had noticed over past months, each too minor to be of note by itself, but when brought together form a dangerous picture.
Dangerous, but not exactly unappealing. Shinya can feel the beginnings of heat prickling at the tips of his ears, and focuses his attention on breakfast before he can pursue that line of thought any further. He's not one to be in denial, but. Well. Better to save that kind of thought for later, when he's not shirtless and sleep-rumpled and Gino isn't right there.]
Then we should set aside some time this evening. [That should be enough time for both of them to cool down.] Anything else on today's schedule?
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If he didn't...he's not sure where this conversation would've gone. Gino's learned how to navigate polite conversation, of course, but he's never been as good at it as Shinya is. He too easily wears his emotions on his face, heart on his sleeve even though he tries to keep it hidden. For the most part, it's a successful ruse, but sometimes, just sometimes, things like this happen.
Or Shinya happens, like a natural disaster that won't be stopped. ]
Fencing lessons two hours past the noon bell– Master Fontaine will be teaching today. Professor Saiga sent a missive as well, intending to visit before supper, I believe. [ Day to day minutiae is easy to focus on; he's always been good at recalling the details. And though he'll likely be in attendance at most of these activities, there'll be a secondary distraction. Moreover, he is interested to see what the Professor has to say– he doesn't always agree with him, but he knows Shinya enjoys his lectures. ]
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[Hah. He wonders what the Professor will think of this whole situation. Would he be able to take one look at them and deduce what had happened, and would he say anything about it?
Shinya can't wait to find out.]
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Professor Saiga always offers an... interesting point of view. [ And sometimes uncomfortable. It feels like the older gentleman always stares directly through him. ]
In any case, will you need further assistance this morning?
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I should be fine.
[And if he really means to make things easy for Gino, he'll leave things there and let him be on his way. There are always chores for him to attend to.
But that strange moment from before flashes across Shinya's mind, and his next words are out before he can stop himself. He has always been reckless when he's in pursuit of something.]
Gino, you know you can stay even when I don't need you in this capacity.
[So much for easing them back into a sense of normalcy.]
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Shinya isn't about to send him away, especially not in the face of his daily activities. A small part of him feels a little warmer with the knowledge, even though he knows this setup is temporary. Has always been. They're on a time limit. ]
You know I can't do that.
[ Because while he's enjoyed his time here, to a degree, it's impermanent. He has a mother at home who's taking care of the estate, no matter how ruined their name is. There are people there waiting for a lord to take back over, for him to be old enough and learned enough to run it well. He's been gaining that knowledge while here, for which he's grateful, but he can't stay. Doing so would be reckless and irresponsible. ]
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He can only hope to reach their level one day, but even with his current skills, he knows he and Gino are on different pages. Gino had cast his thoughts into the distant (only it's not really distant any more, their time is tick, ticking down) future, and Shinya takes a second to re-orient himself in the conversation before he continues.
What does he want? (Gino safe and happy, Makishima brought to justice.) And what does Gino want? Does he even know? It's not going to be easy to determine, but they shouldn't have trouble narrowing it down, at least. Yes or no questions; those are easy to answer.]
But do you want to?
[This time, he's no longer talking about just this morning.]
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Still, the other man doesn't seem to take offense, instead seeming deep in thought for a moment. He's grown used to that gesture, waiting out the other's silence without issue. Sometimes it was unnerving, especially in the beginning, but for the most part, it was comfortable between them.
That comfort gets momentarily tossed out the window at Shinya's response. ]
It doesn't really matter what I want; duty will come before anything.
[ Gino's reply is automatic, feeling almost rehearsed. Almost. While it's true he would like to just spend time with Shinya on a less divided scale, he wasn't going to have much time or choice to. But, he's accepted that by now. Years of telling it to himself and throwing his all into preparing to take over the estate– he can't turn back now. Won't turn back. ]
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Duty chains all of us down. [Not the most flattering metaphor, and not exactly true either, in Kougami's case. He doesn't think of his duties as terribly restrictive. It's different for Gino, and really, that's the issue here.] But...how should I put this? Even prisoners can move around in their chains. Their degree of movement just depends on their creativity, and their determination.
[Shinya is quite self-aware. He's long ago realized what it is that he felt for Gino: desire, low-burning but constant and intense. If there's even a chance that he can keep Gino by his side, then Shinya will seize it without hesitation.]
So I'll ask you again: what do you want?
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However, it's missing a vital section. He has his responsibilities but they're almost tenfold of a normal house. Because their name is tarnished, even though it's already been a number of years. Things stick in people's minds and they don't let someone forget it so easily.
He doesn't just have chains, he has weights on the ends. ]
Our cases are different.
[ And that's all he'll remark on, right now. Gino doesn't feel like playing the pity card, because it gets them exactly nowhere. ]
I don't see the point in discussing this. My future was sealed as soon as my father was exiled.
[ Again, he's hit with the duality of the situation. What he wants– he thinks of Shinya's hands around his wrists again and it feels like his heart's caught in his throat. There's an attraction, something he's been pushing to the side for as long as he's been even vaguely aware of it. His gaze flickers for a moment as he thinks about it, eyes following the line of Shinya's throat before he tilts his head back up. Posture and expression schooled back into professionalism, he reminds himself of the responsibilities he has. Will have. ]
Will that be all?
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(Makishima, it probably ties back to Makishima somehow.)
But that's a mystery he's still in the process of untangling. What matters now, in the present, is Gino's propensity for self-denial. Shinya frowns - from concern, not anger.]
Hey. Gino. [He reaches out, fingers wrapping around Gino's wrist to give it a light squeeze before letting go. He won't physically restrain Gino. If Gino wants to stay (whether it be right now, or in the future), then it will be of his own volition.] Don't run.
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Had the other figured it out? That wouldn't be completely surprising, if he had. However, Shinya is letting him go, a sort of affection leaking from the gesture into his tone. He tries to avoid rubbing the spot where he'd been touched, even though his nerves would be calmer if he could.
Attempting to school his face back to neutral, his voice comes out surprisingly level. ]
I'm not running.
[ But isn't he? With all of his efforts to avoid Kougami's sharp gaze and sharper mind. Even if the other man felt the same way, there'd be an impenetrable wall of propriety, duty, family, bloodlines to stop it.
So he'll keep his mouth and heart shut (head bowed, eyes lowered, no fuss). ]
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If he's not ready yet, then Shinya can accept that.]
Right.
[At the end of the day, he'd rather have Gino content with his place in the world than have Gino. But he isn't about to drop the matter. Gino can do better, and Shinya is determined to help him. He'd do no less for a stranger, never mind his closest friend.]
I'll see you later, then.
[This isn't over.]
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[ And that's that. He's not going to re-open this discussion on his own. And he'll avoid it if Kougami tries to drag him into it again. It's uncomfortable thinking of the future– there's so much unknown. Gino knows his duties, of course. But he thinks of all the work and how much he's going to have to climb. It feels insurmountable, even if he knows he'll have some help. A burned legacy is still burnt. If he sees the end of the scorch mark his father left by the time he reaches his deathbed, it'll be a miracle.
Graciously, opposite of his heart, he bows and exits the room. ]
--
[ his pulse doesn't stop racing until much later ]
--
[ Ginoza watches with a sharp eye as Kougami spars with his teacher. He's seated off to the side, a silent observer, really only there by Kougami's request. Of course, he's been taught similarly, just to a lesser extent. Enough to get him by so if he's mugged he's not helpless (something he's grateful for).
But, this is a level above.
Both men sparring are efficient in their motions, fast and would-be deadly if they weren't practicing. As it is, Gino knows he'll have to tend to some bruises and scrapes afterwards. Still, as the session comes to a close, Kougami looks full of energy and not like someone who's just gotten the crap kicked out of him.
Holding out glass of water to the other man, he raises an eyebrow. ]
You did well; though I expected you to be more tired.
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With a loud exhale, he runs a hand through his wet hair and shakes some of the excess water off, right at Gino. It's only then that he finally responds to Gino, looking up to meet his eyes properly.]
Thanks.
[Gino's right, he realizes. He's still humming with restless energy, fueled with a desire to keep going, keep improving. He rolls his shoulders and stretches, shifting his weight from foot to foot in an attempt to dissipate some of that excess energy.
It doesn't work. But there's someone he can practice with right in front of him. Shinya only pauses for a moment before he extends his invitation.]
I know I said we'll spar this evening, but how do you feel about doing it now? [A hint of a smile tugs at his mouth.] Think of it as me giving you an advantage.
[He may be feeling energetic, but he's been pushing himself hard. Meanwhile, Gino will be going into their spar fresh.]
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Well honestly, giving himself away at all won't help. It doesn't change anything, except for his feelings. ]
If that's what you'd like. [ Gino tilts his head down as a sign of obedience as much as it's a motion to hide his face. Kougami's smile and current state of undress is doing things to his chest. ] Then I will gladly accept.
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He does it figuratively, though, with careful words:]
But what about you? [Unable to keep his hands to himself any more, Shinya reaches out to clap Gino on the back.] I told you before: you should consider your own wants.
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I would– [ The clap on the shoulder cuts him off for a second, throwing his train of thought off. Kougami's palm is warm, even through his shirt. He swallows hard and tries not to inhale too sharply at the way his mind fills in the blanks. How his imagination supplies the thought of those hands set on bare skin, or in places less appropriate for public. ] I'd enjoy it as well.
[ Sparring or otherwise. His cheeks might be a little pink; he's never been great at hiding. ]
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Then let's go.
[There's something crackling in the air between them, a storm ready to crash down over their heads, but Shinya is unafraid. He's looking forward to it, even, his long strides almost a swagger as he leads the way to the wrestling mats. This is what the entire morning had been building up to - or rather, not just the morning, but all those prior weeks and months of averted eyes and building tensions.
Shinya doesn't remember how this had all started. It had been so subtle, so slow, that the pieces had only clicked into place this morning. But now that the truth is staring at him in the place - Gino wants him, Gino can do so much better than the path he's determined to chain himself to - Shinya refuses to ignore it. Not just for Gino's sake, but his own as well. To ignore this would be to go against his own principles, and that Shinya can't ever do.
It takes less than a minute for them to arrive at their destination, and less than a second for Shinya to drop into a ready stance, half-crouched and arms raised, ready to guard. The message is clear: he's waiting for Gino to make the first move.]
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Good thing that Kougami is persistent enough. And that Gino has difficulty resisting the other man, contrary to what people would think. Even if he didn't have to serve his beck and call, he's sure he'd end up by his side somehow. Kou has that kind of magnetism.
(It's what he'd fallen for, to begin with).
Shrugging his overcoat off, he rolls up his sleeves, following Kou's broader back to the mats. He tries not to pay attention to the fluid shift of the man's muscles, of his shoulder blades as he swings his arms. Tries being the key word. Because he thinks about dragging his fingers down that back, fingernails leaving marks.
Blinking, he shakes it away, sliding into a stance across from Kougami. If it's a first move he wants, it's a first move he gets. Gino's fist comes at him like a hook, going for the side. ]
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tags this to Selena Gomez's "Good for You"
whispers gaaaaaaaaaay
how is this surprising in the least
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